Self Portrait
Karma review

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I have my astronarrative as follows:

Planet influence Planet Degree Retro? Sign Symbol
Broad traits Sun 10°57' Virgo A Boy Moulded In His Mother's Aspirations For Him
Emotions, instincts Moon 8°56' Capricorn An Angel Carrying A Harp
Communication, intellect Mercury 6°25' Libra A Woman Feeding Chickens And Protecting Them From The Hawks
Romance, beauty Venus 1°59' Libra The Light Of The Sixth Race Transmuted To The Seventh
Action, drive Mars 6°30' Libra A Woman Feeding Chickens And Protecting Them From The Hawks
Expansion, luck Jupiter 0°46' Gemini A Glass-Bottomed Boat In Still Water
Karmic Lesson, blocks Saturn 11°02' Leo An Evening Lawn Party
Ingenuity, progression Uranus 4°16' Scorpio A Massive, Rocky Shore
Psychic, dreams Neptune 11°14' Sagittarius A Flag That Turns Into An Eagle That Crows
Power transformation Pluto 10°25' R Libra A Professor Peering Over His Glasses
Wounded healer Chiron 1°32' R Taurus An Electrical Storm
Give/receive nurturing Ceres 20°47' Leo Chickens Intoxicated
Justice, claim your power Pallas 17°16' Cancer A Hen Scratching For Her Chicks
Soul mates, commitment Juno 6°55' Libra A Woman Feeding Chickens And Protecting Them From The Hawks
Organised, perfect, essence Vesta 9°34' Cancer A Large Diamond Not Completely Cut
Path of Spiritual Progression North Node 5°09' R Scorpio A Gold Rush
Dark side, belief to let go Lilith 12°35' Aries An Unsuccessful Bomb Explosion
Inner child, habits Part of Fortune 23°41' Scorpio Crowds Coming Down The Mountain To Listen To One Man
First natural reactions Ascendent 21°40' Pisces A Man Bringing Down The New Law From Sinai
Reputation, society position Midheaven 21°23' Sagittarius A Chinese Laundry

I know I have many past lives:

  • a rice-paddy worker with a baby on my back (and I recently met a friend from this past life while we both had our children - 2 kids each born within weeks of each other both times);
  • a wealthy magnate in the 1800s who murdered someone to help a friend politically (my current daughter was the one I murdered - she forgave me and came back as my daughter for me to show her love - and guess what?  She does and will get anything she wants!  And I can't describe how intense it feels to be forgiven); 
  • a philosopher and astronomer around 3000 BCE;
  • a rock star in the 60's;
  • a russian mathematician for the army sometime during the rise of the KGB (and was tortured to death by my own "side");
  • a Mycaenean "leader of the people" around 1600BC;
  • a peasant mathematician working for the Emperor in the Shang Dynasty;
  • and more. 

I like to play with my past lives! True, the past holds a lot of sadness, however played with correctly they can help us to understand our present and know what we need to heal. 

By the way I visited two psychics to find out my past lives.  I know they were correct because my body would react - chills for minutes, or feeling nauseous, or other such reactions.  Sometimes the thing you don't want to know is the thing you hear, such as murdering someone or knowing that I was famous during a sexual revolution and that a current friend (oh no, omg) was my groupie (and I'm quite a prude now - clearly been there done that!).

The journey of my horoscope has been a revisitation of several past lives - most significantly you will see that the south node (not pictured, opposite the north node) is conjunct Chiron, so past life wounds are coming up for me to heal:

  • A Gold Rush - North node - as a volcanology-qualified geologist, encountering my Mycaenean past where I was assassinated by my own family after leading the people to worship the gods for an abundant year. In fact, Santorini had exploded and created a volcanic winter for years, that reached all the way to China. In this life, in my last job before family, I worked for a company that I called the snake pit. I learned about politics on that job! There was a lot of back-stabbing, lies and generally narcissistic behaviour there. I decided after that job to start having a family - hey I wasn't getting any younger! That job was based in volcanic deposit in goldfields, and after I left, the department I had worked for all got made redundant because they couldn't find the orebody! History repeats. Anyway that "gold rush" was the signpost for my spiritual progression - to become a mother, rather than the head-kicking balls-out geologist that I was!

  • Crowds Coming Down The Mountain To Listen To One Man - as a rock star, the philosopher-astronomer that became important in the village, the Mycaenean, the Chinese peasant who spoke up in court to tell everyone to spare a friend of mine which resulted in both myself and my friend being tortured to death anyway. Clearly I am very comfortable in the limelight. However, balancing this is Saturn on "An Evening Lawn Party" in Leo, so I won't be the centre of attention too much in this life as it gets me into trouble. The Crowds Listening to One Man describes my activity in high school as a public speaker and debater, as well as drama-nerd. It is easy to see why this degree has my Part of Fortune on it as it does describe the habit of lifetimes.

  • An Unsuccessful Bomb Explosion has Lilith on it, meaning I need to be aware that I do or say things that do require damage control, and thinking that I can lob bombs or throw flares and they do no real harm is something I need to give up as a belief. I need to be careful what I do or say because of the deeply embedded habit of "Crowds Listening To One Man".

  • An Electrical Storm - people turning against me such as during the life of a Chinese peasant, the Mycaenean leader, my own "side" torturing me to death as a Russian mathematician in the army and in this life the electrical storm was trying to forget a code I was being interrogated for (thinking too much has also carried over into this life too!)

  • A Woman Feeding Chickens And Protecting Them From The Hawks - three bodies sitting on this one! Count em, three! And then,

  • A Hen Scratching For Her Chicks, and

  • Chickens Intoxicated - all three symbols in Cancer or Libra involving devotion to another and nurturing, and chickens! and then this one -

  • An Angel Carrying A Harp.

So lets talk about the combination of these last four symbols, because I had a realisation about these regarding the lesson I needed to learn, that involved all of them, which is a fair chunk of my karma bucket list all ticked off in one go.

I recently did an abundance-blockfinder past-life regression meditation while listening to Hay House radio online. 

At the time I was getting over "wiping" the friend who had her kids at the same time as me.  I was going to a regular meditation night and having visions of connecting with someone and overbalancing both of us, so when I let go hands with others, I shoot like a rocket into the sky.  I knew that this relationship with this friend was compromising my loyalty to my daughter, as she didn't like my friend's son.  He is very disruptive and immature and I was exhausting myself refereeing the kids.  I eventually got tired of feeling used by this friend because she was distancing herself from her child while the rest of us had to deal with him!  I had to put my child first.  I also listened to her constant problems and while I empowered her enough to create her own business, that she said she wanted, she still wasn't happy.  In the end I realised she didn't respect me as much as I would like, and that she wasn't telling me the extent to which her son was getting into trouble.  On certain levels I was being deceived.  The real kicker came when I realised that the dynamic I had with her and her child was the same dynamic I had with my own mother and brother! I had projected my crap onto these people and it was time to end that within myself once and for all.  Yes I wiped her, but I couldn't trust myself to remain neutral and not let the relationship interfere with the loyalty to my child.  I was learning boundaries, big time.  In learning to set boundaries, I was remembering when I had crossed boundaries of others so there was a lot of sorries and cringing inside myself.  I also got a lot of Indian Minah birds visiting my garden, which are all about crossing boundaries!

During the Hay House meditation I saw myself as the rice-paddy worker, suffering due to the troubles of my village, wondering what I could do if I was rich, how many people I could help if I was rich.  I walked through one door as that person and through a tunnel then opened a door to a new life as a rich magnate.

As this person I clearly threw money at problems and loved to fix things for my friends. Unfortunately I crossed the line and did something horrific, I murdered someone that a friend loved, because they were the "wrong" person politically and needed to disappear for my friend's career.  I had again taken on someone's "problem" as my own.  In this case, I ended up ripping out my friend's heart, and realised that I had done something unforgiveable.  I had to watch my friend become a shadow of himself, his heart was not in his life and it was my fault.

In both lives, I had become too involved in the other person.  This is not the fault of the stars, I chose to be born at the times that reflected my personality, or you could say, reflected energies I needed to perfect my use of.  This was me - lots of Libra and Cancer, too many chickens to look after, even Pisces ascendent means I would experience "merging" with other people's energies.  I came back to perfect these energies - to still be compassionate, but to learn the art of detachment.  Being an "Angel With A Harp" may sound nice but actually it's a pain in the bum.  Most of the time you don't empower people to solve their own problems, you are annoying with your advice, and you get weighed down with their never-ending crap that they choose to experience.  Also, overconnecting with others means they don't get to truly be themselves.  And every problem exists for a reason.  I have found my Buddhist-like beliefs help me to evolve the enregies of these symbols!

Now I understand the next symbol:

  • A Massive, Rocky Shore

which is where I'm headed.  This is detachment.  Hooray!

I feel that our paths are very circular, spiralling upward.  We perfect ourselves again and again.  My good friend Pam says we are "caretakers of light" where we are vessels for specific energies that we need to learn how to use (she is very wise and I am lucky to know Pam!  I need to get her story down here too!)  While I will still be very much a people-person, I need to ensure my first and strongest connection is to myself and the earth.  I have subsequent meditations now where I am floating on water, or in a boat, which means I am not over-affected by emotions.  I will be okay inside me, whatever happens outside me.  The other day I borrowed a sad book about the dead passing over (and cried when I read about the children part of it) and outside the library I saw a butterfly drowning in water.  Clearly a sign that I needed to detach from the stories in the book!  So I did read it again and didn't cry, yet still learned a lot from the book, which is an excellent analogy for my relationships and the karmic journey I'm on.  It also means I am distancing (cleansing) myself of any past hurts to me, and seeing it all as part of my greater journey.

Anyway back to the Hay House meditation - clearly the abundance block I have is that I give too much to others.  I am not wealthy because I am limited to what I can give.  I used to dream about winning a million so I and friends and family could all go an a massive holiday!  Now I realise that I  can't yet trust myself to give too much, because clearly it hasn't helped anyone in my past lives.  I need to relearn my values, respecting other people's efforts to live their lives how they want, not interfere because I over-empathise with their problems as if they were my own.  Now I understand my Saturn:

  • An Evening Lawn Party

which is a kindness from the universe!  I am limited in my party, fun-loving ways because of all the "chickens" I look after, and the fact that I connect too much with everyone. 

Just recently I had friends come over (three adults and one child) and I volunteered to babysit while everyone went to a concert.  Frankly, due to the rock star past life, I have no interest in music or concerts.  I especially don't enjoy concerts.  My friends and partner can't believe it.  Anyway while I was hanging with the kids, the other adults spent the weekend drinking and eating fat german sausages and junk.  On the last night I was in my room having alone time because  I didn't want to be around them and their party (even though it was quite sedate, and everyone in bed by midnight) and their smelly cheese and alcohol!  Clearly I just can't handle parties, the older I get, the more so.  I actually think that I am very sensitive (bodies in Libra, Scorpio, Cancer, Pisces) so it is a blessing that I am limited by Saturn in this way, and explains another dimension of the Chiron (wound) "An Electrical Storm" in terms of sensitivity to energies of others.

Now I realise this, I feel truly free.  I feel I can enjoy my life (which is the same, but looks wonderful and blessed) even more, just being.

So that's me so far.  Yes there is a lot more to this story but I have only put the bare essentials in here so that there is a coherent narrative.  Yes, every symbol has multiple layers (Saturn on an Evening Party may also mean I get to have a quiet night and hopefully sleep, after at least 2 lifetimes of sleep deprivation as a rock star and sleep-deprivation-tortured mathematician) and I invite you to play the game of counting your layers :)

Ultimately, I hope I have helped you understand your journey.

Good luck with yours!

Epilogue: The Generational Layer of My Astronarrative

So it is mid-December 2015, nearly a month after I have written the above, and I have another layer to add to my birthday astrology. 

My family has suffered generations of neglect and abuse, and I have known for a long time that my grandfather watches me from the Otherside, to learn how to love.  When he was 18 months old, his entire family starved pre-Chinese Revolution.  He was adopted by a wealthy woman who did not love him as a mother, rather she bought him because he must be the "toughest" of the family to have survived.  He grew up knowing she primed him to be the caretaker of her fortune, rather than a son.  He grew up always trying to prove himself worthy, to her (A Boy Moulded In His Mother's Aspirations For Him).  He ended up marrying a woman who as a first daughter inherited all the work of the family while her own mother had parties and fun, being the wife of a popular doctor whom the wealthy courted to treat them.  When she, (my grandmother) became a mother, she repeated this pattern, enslaving my mother while she had her fun gambling and partying and acting the society wife, although their fortunes had changed and they were no longer rich due to the Cultural Revolution (which pushed them to flee to Hong Kong).  She abused my mother terribly because she had so much resentment in her heart for any work she had to do, so if my mother didn't perform, my grandmother would be so angry.  This woman also pressured her husband to commit terrible abuses to my mother, who believes that her father didn't really want to do them, but was not strong enough to stand up to her.  When he died, he begged for my mother's forgiveness (I believe it really cut at his heart to abuse his own children, for someone that had lost his entire first family).

As a mother myself, I don't believe an 18 month old can be tougher than a whole family.  In fact, he must have been so loved, that they all would have rather died before him, saved their last food for him and his tiny belly.  And I think when a child knows this love, he knows when it is not there, and he knew his adopted mother didn't love him, hence his insecurities and how he was easily manipulated.

My own mother has had a colorful life, escaping this family to become a sailor.  She loved a good man only to lose him to a heart attack when my brother and I were just kids.  She worked to put us through school, and as education is so important to her, we went to university.  She has often said that she has come so far in life.  When I was in my early twenties, I could appreciate that coming from an abusive poor family to being a housewife was indeed coming far, as I though ambitiously and thought of success as owning a business or becoming a Somebody.  Now I realise that the journey was of personal happiness and accomplishment in self-comfort.  She now gives in the form of volunteer work. 

I realise that I am also making that same journey, showing my mother how I raise a version of myself (different to her as she was deeply depressed after my father died, for decades). I decided when I had my children I would break the generational chain of pain.

So my horoscope reflects my family's journey of understanding love and family.  Where family has meant love is pain and betrayal, I move towards love is guidance and acceptance.

In my astronarrative, the Angel With A Harp, The Light Of The Sixth Race Transmuted To The Seventh (family ancestry repeating), A Woman Feeding Chickens And Protecting Them From The Hawks as well as planets in Cancer:  A Hen Scratching For Her Chicks and A Large Diamond Not Completely Cut - are part of my life purpose in Family.  Through forgiveness work and loving my family, I am working as A Chinese Laundry for my ancestors.  I have to be careful about what I do or say because there is no damage-control (Lilith on An Unsuccessful Bomb Explosion), and I won't be placing parties and other people before my family (Saturn on An Evening Lawn Party).

When I worked as a geologist, The Gold Rush was an opportunity to get away from my mother's pain and recreate myself and what I wanted in life.  To assess things (A Professor Peering Over His Glasses; A Glass-Bottomed Boat In Still Water).  Now I can raise my own family away from (A Massive, Rocky Shore) the emotions of generational pain (An Electrical Storm).

My energetic relationship with my father's family is represented in my South node (A Bridge Being Built Across A Gorge).  The South node is where we have spent many lifetimes and clearly have definite skills and talents in these areas, however we need to continue to progress spiritually and move towards our North node.  My father's family name is Bridge, and while I had an early relationship with this side of the family, I no longer have anything to do with them.  It has just been a natural drifting apart, the fact of being interstate and that this side of the family is not close-knit at all, as well as the fact that I literally burned my bridges with them by having a go at a particular member of this family.  So we leave behind our South node to pursue our North node.  Before, I felt pain about this lack of relationship, but now I finally understand this as representing the past in my South node. Funnily enough my mother has always said I inherited this side of the family's gifts, traits and intelligence.

My Earth is opposite my Sun and is Men Seeking Illumination.  I feel that this has just happened, hence why I am writing about this layer of my birthday astrology.

I just had this realisation and feel that I understand my purpose in life.  My focus should be on placing the most energy on loving my family and myself :)

Post Epilogue: Whoops!

It is now April 2016, and I have had an amazing transformative experience where I have let go of my mother-issues and fantastically, am now chatting to my mum every day, just because it's fun.  She asks about my website, then casually drops my brother's birth time and then adds my own birth time for good measure.  Except she says that my time is 6:38pm, not 6:20 as I'd thought for many, many years. 

Whoops!  I am seriously hoping that I am not attached to the symbols in my astronarrative, because I am going to be kissing some goodbye!

So what has changed?

Planet influence Planet Degree Retro? Sign Symbol
Emotions, instincts Moon 9°07' Capricorn An Albatross Feeding From The Hand
Romance, beauty Venus 2°00' Libra The Dawn of A New Day, Everything Changed
Inner child, habits Part of Fortune 27°33' Scorpio The King Of The Fairies Approaching His Domain
First natural reactions Ascendent 25°42' Pisces A New Moon That Divides Its Influences
Reputation, society position Midheaven 25°34' Sagittarius A Flag-Bearer

Well, my supposed 'real' moon of An Albatross is actually how I was feeling about the Angel with the Harp business (I was finding helping people a drain, though I made it that way).

I still don't quite understand my Venus however I could substitute A Chinese Laundry (old MC) for The Dawn Of A New Day, in terms of how I don't want to continue the generational chain of pain.

I could also substitute Crowds Coming Down The Mountain To Listen To One Man (old Fortune) for A Flag-Bearer (new MC). 

I find it really interesting that after I had to tell my mother-in-law to give me space, I now learn that my Fortune is The King Of Fairies Approaching His Domain (rather territorial don't you think) instead of Crowds Coming Down The Mountain.

I don't really have an understanding of my new ascendant as A New Moon That Divides Its Influences, however I am slightly relieved that it is no longer A Man Bringing Down The New Law From Sinai (I privately it was evangelical and overbearing...the unattractive parts of myself being called out!  But I remind myself I am practising self-acceptance :) )

Anyway, just thought I'd share this new information, because I am also mindful that it is very human to overattach to beliefs about ourselves - which research has used as evidence that astrology is flawed (that the descriptions about Leo or Virgo etc could apply equally to everyone in the right circumstances - you can Google it).  Oh, well.  Just because our minds are flawed doesn't mean something can't be explored, or be right in it's own mysterious way :)

By the way, my Vertex is now Virgo 0-1 A Man's Head, rather than Leo 10-11 Children On A Swing In A Huge Oak Tree which ironically probably means I need to be more logical and rational and not take this stuff too serious.  Yet, I can't resist the Sabian Symbols...




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