Fekete Csaba @ freeimages.com
Right now I am going through a phase where, after dealing with my victim narcissist persona a year ago, when I was also attracting narcissist entities/spirits (don't worry folks, just a white-light meditation and imagining an arrow to the light above your head will move them on) I have in the past few months revisited a time when I was 7 years old and opened up wounds that I hadn't processed.
The release meant tears (subconscious meeting the conscious) and the difference with this process and the victim narcissist persona experience was that I was guided by a friend who works with PTSD sufferers. She suggested I allow my wounded child to express itself and that this would make me more sensitive, and if any memories come up, to take my adult self into the memory to comfort the child. Not all of the PTSD is healed all at once, but for self-care, I can take all the time I need to heal any part of the event(s) e.g. just 1%. Most of us who have been traumatised do NOT like feeling vulnerable, so prefer to go through processes themselves, alone. It is a big step to ask for help, therefore revealing vulnerability and whatever wounds repressed that we feel we can't emotionally control. I have to say, it is well worth doing and so much more gentler to the self than going it alone.
I also admit I love my intense emotions and enjoyed the release and insights from allowing the inner wounded child a voice. It is amazing how little we know about how wounded we are. While I was getting triggered, which by now I know is a key to something deeper, I did not know why. When my friend described what being triggered meant, I cried just because she was describing exactly how I felt - and this was a textbook explanation! Having a fellow human explain exactly how you feel, knowing how you feel, is very powerful. I thought people needed "fixing" or having problems "solved" to feel better - it is true that just having someone understand how you feel can simply make you feel better just because you are not alone.
I have felt light for a few weeks then the stress of selling the house (survival need for shelter) had me regress back to victim narcissist-lite. My mind was constantly racing over how much I hated my in-laws and how much they "screwed me over" - honestly I am getting SO sick of thinking about them. The difference with the racing thoughts this time was that I had more control over myself and let less negativity leak out to my children (being stern compared to constantly scolding before) and partner (nit-picking and trying to get guarantees that we would not see the in-laws for Christmas compared to raging screaming arguments).
This week, I have watched Carolyn Myss' videos on Medical Intuition, and the second video "Why People Don't Heal" just blew me away. It explained the dynamic I saw in both my biological and in-law families and was a warning to me about who I was. I was holding onto my resentment and anger, using my victim-ness as a way of controlling the family too. At some point I have to forgive (Carolyn says this a spiritual act, not a logical one - not "of the mind" because it is not rational to forgive people who have hurt you), because remaining a victim was going to make me sick, or just keep me weak and not move forward into my true empowered self. My anger at my in-laws and my partner meant that the in-laws had to stay away so I was dividing my partner from his family - what controlling people do. But the danger with "staying on the cross" is that you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself - you remain in a loop of bitterness and continued misery, feeling like you are about to get "screwed" if you are not careful, that you feed this negativity to other people, mainly the people you live with and support.
Carolyn Myss talks about how pain makes people give pain to others, how children never flourish because the parents control them due to a fear of loneliness by having episodes where they are "dying! I'm dying", or children get abused because that way the parent feels the child will understand the parent's own childhood. Holding onto the pain makes you a "weapon of mass destruction" as Carolyn says.
When I received a balance today from my kinesiologist, with the specific purpose of giving up the power of being a victim (so I could move forward into a brighter future), I was shocked that the entities had come back but I realised it made sense with the racing mind. Despite sending these entities onward, I realise I still need to manage which thoughts I feed. I have to accept that thoughts are like junk mail - I receive them, but I don't have to open them or read them over and over. So I need to be more disciplined about what thoughts I mull over and let most thoughts just pass through like wind. In this respect I understand what Eckhart Tolle means when he says that life is the dancer and we are the dance - see Aries 28-29 A Celestial Choir Singing for another illustration of this.
Nonetheless I was proud that I was more "me" with this recent experience of victim narcissism that I was previously - I feel I am stronger emotionally and spiritually, because I am meditating more regularly and I released emotions from the wounded inner child. I have to say, thank heaven for the 21st century and the tools we can access for all aspects of our health!
So how do we move on from a type of toxic victim-hood and the addiction to the power it brings? My insight was that my previous actions to my in-laws were valid, but I needed to walk the middle path of being aware of my own history with the in-laws yet also be self-reliant and not let them affect me from claiming my future. Sometimes this means staying away, sometimes it means seeing them and holding onto one's own light, maybe even learning something positive from them. Baby steps, of course, baby steps!!
Two weeks after significant healing, giving up the victim-hood which made space for joy (which I didn't know at the time would happen - I needed to actually experience this to know the wisdom of giving up the pain) I used the lesson of this symbol very effectively for my own 7 year-old daughter:
She cried before bedtime about how she was addicted to a friendship in school that she didn't want to continue. She wants to NOT be friends with someone but doesn't know how. I reminded her that her teachers and myself have advised her to make new friends but she would howl louder that she was ADDICTED, and that she CAN'T stop herself. I decided to wait for a pause in her drama, then say "It's fine, honey, you CAN'T stop your addiction. If feeling this bad is how you want to keep feeling, then go ahead sweetie pie, see how much worse you can make yourself feel." Of course it made her howl louder, and I kept saying, "Yes, it's okay to feel this bad, and every day you will feel this way because you are addicted to the person who makes you feel this way". I said it with the attitude of "I don't really care, you can do this to yourself but I am happy reading my book thanks". My underlying thought was if I tried to comfort her and make her feel better about her friend or her decision not to change, then she would never listen to her intuition and never change her habits - she would be stuck in fear of change. After a while the howls became "I WAaaaaaahNT to change, I WAaaaahNT to make new friends". I let her hit rock-bottom in her feelings, she made a shift, and now we could talk about her fears and strategies, and we had a very open, accepting (for me) and trusting (for her) conversation about what she wanted and how to go about it. In a sense it is tough-love - however I saw that I was PRESENT for my daughter in the whole process, and it wasn't about having her feel the pain and then leaving her in it. The dark mantle of my lack of comfort was part of the conversation directed toward resolution. Of course the risk was that she would think I was unfeeling or never speak to me about her feelings - luckily I said just enough, and had developed enough trust with her about honesty and feelings, so she would stay with me during the troughs of the conversation.
Sometimes just giving someone advice is not how they can learn a lesson - allowing them to suffer their own stuff so that they choose not to suffer again is how that person needs to get that wisdom - and the keyword is ALLOWing the karma.
Has my daughter found a new friend, or a good friend? I don't know yet - less my business as it is her journey, not mine.
On a side note, the right can represent what we give, or the physical aspects of life, or the future, or a dominant male. Just pick one!
Does any part of the symbol resonate with you?
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Return to Cancer 0-30 Sabian Symbols.