I have just had a week that is really intense, involving a meeting with ancestors, the return of my dragon energy, a confrontation with the mother-in-law, and tracking along parallel to this was my painter friend's court appearance against her ex-husband.
With so much going on, a Karma Review was necessary. For the purposes of storytelling, I will stick to the horoscopes of just the beginning and end of the week.
The start of events is as follows:
I have just entered the house of a friend (A Man Handling Baggage) who does psychic massage (actually just massage but because she is also psychic, she reads auras, sees presences and passes you the messages you need to hear). This is my second time seeing her. I am expanding on my spiritual journey so I am exploring away from the wise-woman that I normally only see (Men seeking Illumination - also my Earth). As this lady is fully vouched for my my meditation circle, I am really excited for the magic that I have heard will happen. I am told that she clears my negative energy (although for it to be permanent we do need to do our own personal development work) as well as the massage feeling especially relaxing. I am warned that I do need to drink plenty of water as per any massage, and that I need to have an Epsom salt bath when I get home or my muscles will feel it the next day.
I get inside and we chat happily away, and then I am on the table practically falling asleep. I rarely relax so much that I doze so I was amazed at how much I needed this! She told me that a being of pure energy was with me, and that she is dressed in 1700's clothes. She is one of my ancestors and has watched over my family for a long time and has always been with me (A Royal Coat Of Arms). She tells me that every time I have been stressed out and wanted to cry, but instead a laugh came out; that was her. My great-grandfather on my mother's side, who I look up to, also visited in spirit and told me I had been confused for a long time but now I would get some clarity (A Clear Mountain Stream; A Prism). Other messages I got were: there is no need to 'hate' to move forward (which I took to be a reference to the old me who was very emotional and often 'hated' people - now I have the perspective that everyone has their place in teaching us so I will look for that first). Both (A Council of Ancestors) were very loving and sympathetic to me and I got the feeling that any mistakes that I have ever made were just from the essence of me and that that was why I existed.
The next day, WOW, I get a massive jolt of energy. Since I have had children and starting personal development, the old me has been beaten into a new person, so my values and ways of seeing things have changed a lot, thank goodness. But along with this has been a lot calmer way of living and also a lack of energy and motivation. I have been learning to 'be' and 'it is what it is' so rather than go out and chase opportunities like I used to, I have been very content in life.
Well that was until the 'old' me comes back in a massive amount of dragon energy. I used to work for the army on full-time contract, do a Masters degree at university, take disadvantaged children camping, as well as have a full social life, all in the same time frame. In high school I did all the lunch-time 'groups', school plays, debating, public speaking, I was involved in everything, as well as ballet after school and sports. I was non-stop and had recently forgotten who that person was. Wow! I feel that old dragon energy come back and not even I could handle it! It's too much! But awesome! But hang on, what is this negative loop going on in my head? Holy cow, I remember doing this at uni, having a loop of fantasies and thought churn over and over in my head in the middle of the night, and I could never turn my brain off. Especially if I had a grievance with someone, this energy would really boil and stew inside me!! My last issue was with the mother-in-law which I thought was resolved within me, but my negative emotions come steamrolling back literally two days later! And how!
I had forgotten how hard it was to "change my thoughts" and to step back and get a larger perspective, when all my brain wants to do is rehearse the speech that I wanted to give the MIL! So this is an experience to remind me how other people just like I was/am can find their emotional energy really difficult to harness. In the last few years with my energy decreased, I was afforded a little time before emotional reactions to try to look at events with a different perspective (I would/am literally adrenalising and my reactions were unstoppable - which is why kinesiology is such a good healing mode as it balances our hormones - and for me the adrenalin was slowed down enough to create a gap for a new perspective which would defuse the chain reaction). So all my sympathy for anybody struggling with themselves!
I also find that I am enjoying my children more and laughing heartier, but I am staying up late and stewing over the MIL. This energy is sustaining my body, but I feel like a flame that is burning the vessel away and that a crash is coming.
At the same time I get to have a new perspective of the old me (A Woman Rises Out Of Water, A Seal Rises And Embraces Her) and this is another layer of learning for my heart energy (self-love). I believe when we are young we make all sorts of mistakes or have adventures or whatever and often we are at the unknowing behest of our hormonal bodies. Later when we get older and have more control over ourselves and become more reflective of life and what it is to be human, our earlier escapades become the grist for our mill. We process them in order to have a deeper view of everyone and everything else.
Yet while I had learned so much in the last 6 years of personal development, it is a struggle to harness this old energy. This old energy lived/lives very much in my third chakra, the self identity, the power centre. It is an old friend. You know, the one you haven't seen in ten years but they haven't changed and they're happy to sleep on the couch and nag you into the next bank-heist they're planning, just for kicks.
The next day after receiving my old self back, I get into an argument with my partner, and I am putting on the performance of a lifetime. A crazy Tassie Devil, doing high kicks in the air, sweeping the legs and doing ninja throws of my middle fingers. I scream "I don't care if I'm right or wrong, this is how I FEEEEEEEEL" with middle fingers out doing gangsta air slaps. My partner is standing in the doorway, safely, watching my crazy Tourette's dance ensemble and trying not to laugh. I'm giving some good karate demos despite no exercise for the last 10 years and no karate training. The trigger? He said something negative like his mother. So I clearly have an issue. Later we both apologise for our parts, however I see in his eyes that he is deeply entertained by this new energy living with us. Our arguments used to be squabbles over who is wrong or right, but this dragon showed me that all the petty details don't matter, it is how we feel that matters. We are both imperfect. If I feel that his negativity is part of a family vibe that pulls me down (as I try to scrabble out of the pit but get dragged down with claw marks down the side of the wall because misery lurves company), then that is how I feel - whether or not I am wrong or right about his intentions. When he says he also feels suffocated by my reactions to his family, then that is how he FEEEEEEEELS (intense middle finger salute in a sumo squat). So what is the point of the argument? It is a learning for both of us - that he is unknowingly perpetuating a negative vibe that he learned and is not really him, and that I am taking out on him what I need to express to his mother. We are seeing our own dynamics as something to work on, and neither of us is right or wrong, just taking from the interaction what the mirror wanted us to see (middle fingers at every angle, clearly). By the way, Uranus is on A Pugilist Entering the Ring, but probably not really relevant :P
I feel we are so lucky that the argument was funny. Because it could have been extremely terrible.
Over the weekend, I find that I am sick of the loop in my head about what I want to say to the MIL - all really hurtful insightful things that only people who know each other well can use to really do damage - and at the same time, finding it pointless to express to anyone else (all part of my Scorpio north node). I am not complaining to my partner because I don't feel it's necessary for him (the new me thinking!) even though I wake him in the middle of the night with my Talking Out Loud To Her Like A Crazy (old me working!).
I say to myself, okay, you know what you really want to say Bek, you want to stop her coming to your house half of your mornings and dumping negavity. There is a lot more that I want to say but that is all that I want. And since I have already rehearsed this speech a million times (unwillingly) in the past few days, I can trust that when the time comes, I will be able to say what needs to be said at the time which is not necessarily all that you expect to say. The thing is that when you go to bed intending to sleep but you realise that for 10 minutes you have been sitting bolt upright in bed doing gangsta air slaps to illustrate your speech, and that you didn't even realise you were doing it for those 10 minutes, then you need something stronger than the pathetic willpower or "mental strength" to calm the dragon down.
I try not to freak out because the act of repeating thoughts rewires our brains (Joe Dispenza anyone?) and I don't imagine these negative ones are doing me any favors!
I go to the pantry and pour a vodka, toast my ancestors - remembering to be grateful for everything they give me, yes every damn thing - get tipsy, go to sleep. A friend had told me once that sometimes when we get pulled into the drama of the "small-s-self" (rather than being guided by our Higher Self) we need to think of that energy like a monkey, and look at it and say "oh, yes, I forgot that you existed! Thank you for reminding me!"
I am aware that I need to harness the dragon that wants me to defend my territory (The Union Jack) with my new skill in sensitivity and the right words (An Ornamental Handkerchief). So the test for me was Balance. I was pulling oracle cards that were very clear that I needed to express myself to my MIL but that I needed to find that right language or the right mood to do that.
Then on Monday, I see the MIL, and the Sabian astrology is like this:
I was so glad that when I saw her (A Red Cross Nurse - yes, she is a nurse) on Monday, I had calmed right down that I wasn't dancing around like the Tassie Devil (so I had a clear idea of what I was capable of!). Most of my speech had shrivelled inside me, and I just told her the basic truth "you turn up at your worst, please don't do that anymore. My kids and I deserve to see you when you are better than that, or not so negative. I can't deal with it anymore." She told me she didn't even realise that she was so negative, and she apologised and agreed not to turn up in the mornings after work, because this was my house (The Union Jack).
So in the moment of confrontation (A Volcano In Eruption; A Pugilist Entering The Ring; The Gate To The Garden Of Desire), everything got boiled down to the simplest communication, which is really the best. Does she really need to know that I think she is attached to her suffering? No, that is for her to find out, and it might not be true anyway. Does she need to know I think she has a bad attitude? No, and it might not be true anyway, or if it is true, there is a fit for that somewhere in the universe, just not in my house. I also realised that by changing this one thing (stopping her from dropping by in the mornings), then I was probably doing my bit in the universe for other things to change that probably need to (Circular Paths).
What I used to do with the dragon was regret confrontations later. But in the time and space I had to distill my confrontation, I realised that I didn't need to HATE her to feel justified making her sad and stop her visiting in the morning. She didn't need to be my enemy, for me to rationalise ending something. And an old habit after a confrontation was that I would feel bad for the person, and wonder what they were saying to someone else etc etc. which would only create more emotional fire to justify my confrontation anyway. All unnecessary emotion. My ancestors were very clear that I didn't need to hate, to do this. I decided that my MIL's emotional life is no longer my business. She is free to enjoy negativity if she wants, and I won't judge her, because I have distanced from it by removing it from my mornings. She is free to dislike me or say what she likes, because I am satisfied with the outcome and the rest is none of my business. When we feel guilt, we care about what the external world thinks of us, so we can create more emotional fires trying to control public opinion. When we are satisfied that we did the best we did, then the external becomes none of our business. It is what it is!
Another layer, is that when how we FEEEEEEEEL matters so much, we are quite happy to deal with the consequences when we get pushed that far!
I feel this entire drama was actually a test for me in how I will now handle my dragon (An Examination of Initiates) especially after 6 years of personal development (A Drowning Man Rescued), and for that I must be grateful to the MIL and my ancestors for that opportunity (see also Aries 20-21 A Pugilist Entering The Ring). I also see the astrology that describes these events and realise that these are energies of the universe playing through me, and that I was in step with those energies, so how can I take any of this personally?
Meanwhile, yesterday my Painter Friend is preparing for her court case which went ahead today. Today's astrology is as follows:
After I saw the MIL, I drove to my friend's house to give her some moral support. I feel that she was having her confrontations at the same time as I was going through mine, and we had both stressed about them. Hilariously, she had secretly taken up smoking while I had to take up drinking on the weekend. She agreed with me about the over-emotion thing, in that she felt she had to suffer MORE, in order to justify putting her ex-husband in his place because she felt guilty about ending the marriage. In fact, there is nothing wrong with standing up for herself. Do we expect in life that we don't have to make a tough decision? It's like we are pouting over having to be the "bad guy" - but if we don't do what is necessary, and sometimes it looks like tough love, then who do we expect to do it for us? It's our lives and we are the ones with the free will! It's like we can't shoulder the responsibiliity even though we have the gift of free will. So my friend and I chatted about that particular dynamic and discussed her fears of the court case. I had never had any fear for her because her natal Jupiter is on A Man Declared Bankrupt, which I had always interpreted as legal superpowers for her. I also pulled the Release oracle card for her which I thought bode well for her outcome.
Before I left, she received the ex's affadavit at the last minute (7pm at night) which deeply wounded her and I knew that I should just leave her with her pain, she didn't need any more company (yes, even though I didn't want my MIL's negativity, sometimes positivity can be equally annoying!). I cynically wondered if it was a strategy by the ex to make sure she didn't get a good night's sleep before court, to scramble her. I tried to tell her that the details didn't matter in the affadavit (all the petty right/wrong stuff they've argued and argued and argued about for years, and never ever resolved - which is her own suffocating pit of hell) because it was all his thoughts that nobody could ever change. In fact, all that stuff was a blessing for her in this affadavit, because it was ALL going to get flushed down the toilet, along with all the negative emotion and pain from the past. It was just all part of a neat little package that would get the Release. So it didn't matter the details, just how she felt, which is to focus on the need to get this person out of her life, rather than be distracted by his version of events and her associated guilt/shame/etc. But how to say this to her, and would it even be welcome?
Well today - the moon was on A Man Declared Bankrupt, the Sun was on his natal Chiron (A Woman In Pastel Colors Carrying A Heavy And Valuable But Veiled Load) which was her unplanned pregnancy with him early in their relationship, and our good friend the Pugilist was partying on. I thought it was a good astrology for her to have a good outcome. The court case was about how he had broken into the house they owned (it's ok, she is renting somewhere else) and was living there and refusing to have the house sold to interested parties.
The outcome was as texted:
The judges final decision is this Friday. She said there were massive discrepancies between our 2 versions of events and that one of us had to be lying. She then turned to him in front of the whole court and said that she had a horrible feeling that it was him playing games. She then said that she has a massive decision to make and loathes to take a family home away from a father who says he wants to keep it for his children. She will give him 3 days for him to come up with a bank loan and he must buy the house from me instantly if he does so. It now rests on him proving to the court with this evidence on Friday that he can afford it.
We had a chat and she told me that she was so happy to be rid of this house, and that she was going to get her money for it. She didn't care if he paid her out or a stranger, as long as she was Released! And she loved that the judge in the end didn't care about the affadavits, and was just focussed on how to get both parties moving on toward their futures. Easy and fair solution - just buy your ex-wife out - win-win! My friend did feel that the ex had boxed himself into a corner where he either lost money or lost the house, but that was no longer any of her business - she is looking forward to her own future.
As am I!
By the way, I immediately read "The Anger Fallacy" by Laurent and Menzies and found it extremely helpful for me going forward in terms of training my dragon. On the other hand, I was given the gift of anger to facilitate a change, so while I am open to the authors suggestion that we don't need anger to make changes, I am aware that I was given anger by my ancestors to do so. I wondered for a while "why?"
Why does the universe care if I let my MIL drop by and dump negativity? I was happy for her to keep doing so, as I had decided to focus on sharing my joy with my own mother. But the universe was working through me to change a routine. (Sometimes I wonder if we do have free will, which The Anger Fallacy talks about very insightfully). I realised that the MIL was not growing. The universe wants all of us to grow as soul, and unfortunately, I was only enabling the MIL's negativity. In 6 years she had not changed, had not taken anyone's advice to make changes for herself, had maintained the same routine that was progressively becoming more detrimental to herself. In that time, as much as I listened to her, gave suggestions, gave some insight, it still did not help her. So the universe stepped in and changed things up, for her to evolve, and I had to deal with my old dragon to do it.
In order for me to minimise my human feelings of guilt and instead of creating a mask of being the "bad guy" in order to reconcile my behaviour about this, I needed to reframe the situation and focus those guilt feelings on the past 6 years when I enabled her. "I'm so sorry, I did the best I could, I tried and I'm sure you did too, but I was not helping you in all that time, as much as I wanted to. This change is for the best for all of us" rather than feeling bad about creating the boundaries to keep her away. Even though I very clearly got a lot of support from the universe and people around me, I am still human and can still feel her pain. So I also need to make sure I hold my light and not tap into her pain (which was basically me receiving her negativity again - big no from the universe - I have to detach, detach, detach). I can still have compassion for her own journey, but not let it pull me in.
Of course, I am not going to explain all this to her because people unfortunately may not understand it, so I let go of expecting anything from people regarding validation of my decisions. A real "don't complain, don't explain" energy (I used to think this saying meant to put up with crap, but now I realise it means to make the changes instead of whinging, and don't explain yourself to people because they will only have their own framework and not yours to understand you - read more in The Anger Fallacy!)
This same dynamic of "I'm so sorry I was not helping you in all that time, as much as I wanted to. This change is for the best for all of us" also describes the marriage my painter friend had with her ex. He never changed in 10 years. Only when she found out about his infidelity did she leave him, and since then he has had a lot of emotional awakening, saying now he understands homeless people, self-harmers etc. Unfortunately, a lot of the emotions are negative. While it may seem to be a negative process for all of them, she has had a lot of support from friends, the law, the police and family. A lot of times, it has seemed like many coincidental events conspired to make things happen.
It is what it is!